The Caregiver’s Valentine: 6 Practical Ways to Receive Love (Not Just Give It)

Olatunji Taylor
22 hours ago
5 min read

For some, Valentine’s Day is flowers and celebration. For many caregivers, it’s complicated.

It can be a day that highlights what has changed: a spouse who no longer remembers anniversaries; a partner whose personality has shifted with dementia; a loved one who needs total care, leaving little room for romance; a caregiver who feels more like a nurse, manager, and protector than a partner or child; a widowed caregiver feeling the ache of “after.”

This article makes a simple claim: Caregivers deserve a Valentine too. This should not be viewed as a luxury or a reward for their strength, but rather as an essential component of sustainable caregiving.

The Caregiving Imbalance: Why Giving Becomes the Default

Caregiving often turns love into a relentless to-do list. Many caregivers become the household’s emotional and operational “engine.” They give:

time
attention
physical labor
patience
advocacy
money
sleep
and often, their identity

Over time, “receiving” can feel unfamiliar—almost unsafe. Some caregivers say:

“It’s easier to do it myself.”
“No one does it right.”
“People are busy.”
“I don’t want to owe anyone.”
“I should be grateful, not needy.”

Why Receiving Love Can Feel So Hard for Caregivers

A) Guilt: “I shouldn’t need anything.” Caregivers often carry a quiet belief: “If I’m not okay, I’m failing.” But caregiving includes stress, grief, and fatigue. Needing care does not invalidate devotion.

B) Identity: “I’m the strong one.” Many caregivers become the family’s anchor. After a while, they don’t know how to be anything else. Receiving love requires vulnerability—and it can feel like a risk.

C) The fear of burdening others is a common concern. Caregivers protect others from discomfort by staying silent. But silence isolates. Over time, isolation increases burden.

D) The invisible workload of coordinating help. Even when help is offered, caregivers still have to manage it—who comes when, what to do, where supplies are, and how to handle behaviors. That coordination is real labor.

E) Grief and ambiguous loss is a common experience. When dementia or chronic illness changes the relationship, caregivers may grieve the kind of love they used to receive. Valentine’s Day can rekindle that pain.

This article does not ask caregivers to “just be positive.” It offers practical ways to receive love in forms that fit the season you’re in.

The Caregiver’s Valentine Framework: LOVE You Can Receive

Here is a simple framework you can repeat and teach.

L—Label what you actually need

Not everyone needs the same kind of love. Pick 1–2 for this season:

rest
companionship
practical help
reassurance
prayer/spiritual support
laughter
being listened to without advice

O—Offer a “Love Menu” (so people can choose)

Instead of “Let me know,” give people options:

“Would you rather do a grocery run or sit with Dad for 90 minutes?”
“Could you text me every Tuesday—just a check-in?”
“Could you be the family updater so I don’t repeat everything?”

A menu reduces friction and increases follow-through.

V—Validate your humanity

Practice one sentence daily: “I can love them deeply and still feel worn out, lonely, or overwhelmed.”

E—Exchange perfection for connection

If you can’t get a full break, get a “micro-break.” If a lengthy conversation isn't possible, consider arranging a 10-minute call. Connection doesn’t have to be large to be real.

Practical Ways to Receive Love (Not Just Give It)

1) Ask for “calendar love,” not “vague love.” Vague love sounds like, “Call me if you need anything.” Calendar love sounds like:

“Can you come Thursdays 2–4 for the next month?”
“Can you take one appointment this month?”
“Can you drop off dinner every other Tuesday?”

If it’s not on the calendar, the caregiver’s brain can’t trust it.

2) Create a “Caregiver Valentine List” (your top 5). Write your top five needs—simple and realistic:

One uninterrupted nap per week
A weekly check-in call
Two meals dropped off monthly
A monthly errand run
Someone to sit with your loved one while you go for a walk

Then share it with one safe person.

3) Build “perceived support,” not just tasks. Because perceived support is strongly related to burden, prioritize what makes you feel held:

one friend who listens without fixing
a small group that checks in consistently
a faith/community contact who prays with you or for you
a sibling who validates your load, not critiques it

Support isn’t only what people do. It’s also how safe you feel telling the truth.

4) Receive love through boundaries. Boundaries are not rejection. They’re protection. Try:

“I can’t host visitors today, but you can bring a meal and say hello for 15 minutes.”
“I’m unable to explain everything again. Please read the update in the group message.”
“I need help, not advice. Could you please listen for a moment?

5) Receive love through small rituals. If your relationship has changed due to illness, you can still create gentle “micro-Valentines”:

hold hands for one minute
play “your song”
look at one photo together
say one sentence of gratitude (even if it’s messy): “Thank you for being with me.”

For caregivers who are widowed or grieving, rituals may look like:

lighting a candle
writing a letter
speaking their name
asking someone to sit with you in the quiet

6) Let someone love you the way they can: Sometimes support won’t look like what you wish. A sibling may not do hands-on care but can handle paperwork. A friend may not sit with your loved one but will bring groceries. Receiving love includes flexibility—letting people contribute in their strengths.

What Supporters Can Do: How to “Valentine” a Caregiver

If you love a caregiver, here’s what helps most:

Offer two concrete options: “I can do errands Saturday or sit with her Tuesday—what’s better?”
Be consistent (small and steady beats grand and rare).
Please feel free to text me the list—there's no need to provide an explanation.
Don’t judge coping: Tears, fatigue, or frustration are not moral failures.
Say the validating thing: “I see how much you’re carrying. You matter too.”

This kind of support recognizes and supports caregivers’ health and well-being.

A Faith-Comforting Note (Without Pressure)

Some caregivers feel guilty receiving because they believe love must always be sacrifice. But many faith traditions teach that community care is part of spiritual life: bearing one another’s burdens, sharing practical help, and not letting suffering happen in isolation.

If faith is part of your life, consider this reframe: Receiving support can be humility, not weakness. Rest can be stewardship, not selfishness.

And if faith is not part of your language, the truth still stands:You were never meant to do these tasks alone.

Conclusion: The Valentine Caregivers Deserve

The Caregiver’s Valentine is not about romance alone. It’s about being remembered, supported, and loved in the way your life actually looks right now.

If you’re a caregiver: You don’t have to earn love by suffering quietly. You are allowed to receive. You are allowed to ask. You are allowed to be cared for too.

#ITISOKAYTONOTBEOKAY—and it’s also okay to receive love, not just give it.