Stop Waiting for a Crisis: How to Ask for Help Early (and Specifically)

Olatunji Taylor
Jan 20
4 min read

Many caregivers don't wait to ask for help because they don't want it. They wait because they believe they shouldn’t need it. Caregiving can awaken deep values—commitment, loyalty, family duty, faith, and love—yet those same values can quietly become chains when they turn into silence:

“Other people have it worse.”
“I’m supposed to handle this.”
“I would rather not be a burden.”
“No one will do it right anyway.”
“I’ll ask when it gets terrible.”

But “terrible” often arrives quickly: a fall, a hospitalization, wandering, a medication error, a sleepless month, or a caregiver collapse.

In reality, the best time to build support is before you need it urgently.

This installment of the #ITISOKAYTONOTBEOKAY advocacy series is a gentle invitation to shift from crisis support to planned support—so caregivers are not forced to choose between love and survival

Why Caregivers Don’t Ask for Help (Even When They’re Drowning)

A) The guilt trap

Caregiver guilt is powerful because it disguises itself as devotion: “If I loved them enough, I’d do more.” But love is not measured by how much you carry alone. Love is also measured by how wisely you protect the caregiver’s health—because without you, everything collapses.

B) The “burden” belief

Many caregivers feel they must protect others from discomfort. They share updates but not needs. They show strength but not strain. Over time, their behavior creates the painful illusion that they’re “fine,” when they are not.

C) Family roles and history

Old family dynamics don’t disappear in caregiving—they intensify. Asking a sibling for help might reopen old wounds. Asking an adult child might trigger shame. Asking friends might feel “too personal.”

D) Cultural expectations and pride

In many families and communities, caregiving is viewed as a sacred duty—and it is. But sacred does not mean solitary. Community care is not weakness; it is tradition in its healthiest form.

E) The invisible workload associated with asking for help requires energy.

Asking for help requires planning, delegating, follow-up, reminders, and coordination. Caregivers often think, “It’s easier to just do it myself.” That’s real—and it’s precisely why help must become structured, not vague.

The Shift: From “Please let me know” to “Here’s what I need”

Many people genuinely want to help—but they don’t know how. The caregiver’s job is already too big; they shouldn’t also have to translate vague kindness into workable support.

The goal is to move from:

“I’m overwhelmed.” (true, but hard for others to act on) to,
“Can you do this specific thing on this day?” (clear, doable)

When help is specific, it becomes repeatable—and repeatable help becomes relief.

A Simple Framework: EARLY (How to Ask Before Crisis)

Use E-A-R-L-Y as a weekly reminder.

E—Explain briefly (no over-justifying)

Try: “Things have increased, and I need support so I can keep going.”

A—Ask specifically (one task, one time window)

Instead of “I need help.” Say, "Could you please sit with Mom on Tuesday from 2 to 4 so I may rest?"

R—Repeat and rotate (build a circle, not one hero)

One person helps once and is kind. A rotating plan is life-saving.

L—Limit choices (offer two options)

“Would you rather do a grocery run on Saturday or a check-in call on Wednesday?”

Y—Yes, receive it (without guilt)

Practice saying, “Thank you—this helps more than you know.”

Build a “Help Menu” (So People Can Choose a Job, Not a Guess)

Create a list you can text, email, or share in a group chat. Here’s a starter:

Practical tasks

Meals (drop-off or delivery gift cards)
Pharmacy pickup
Laundry
Errands
Yard work
Rides to appointments
Sitting/companionship for 1–2 hours

Care support

“Be with them while I shower/rest.”
“Take notes during the doctor visit.”
“Help me organize meds once a week.”

Emotional support

Weekly check-in call (15 minutes)
Prayer/encouragement text on hard days
Someone to update the family so you don’t repeat everything

Administrative support

Research respite options or adult day programs
Help with forms, insurance calls, scheduling.

If people love you, they want a way to show it. Give them a doorway.

Sample Scripts That Make Asking Easier

To a friend: “Hi [Name]. I’m realizing I can’t wait for a crisis. Can you please help me by doing [specific task] on [day/time]? It would give me a little breathing room.”

To family: “I need us to share this. Here are three tasks—can you choose one and commit for the next two weeks?”

To a faith/community group: “I’m in a caregiving season, and I need practical support. If anyone can sign up for meals, rides, or one hour of sitting time, it would help our family.”

To someone who always says, “Let me know, thank you. Here are two things that would help this week: [Option A] or [Option B]. Which one can you do?”

A Gentle Truth About Love and Limits

There is a difference between love and limitlessness. You can love someone fully and still need help. You can be faithful and still feel worn out. You can be strong and still not be okay.

Asking early is not quitting. It is wisdom. It is stewardship of your health, your mind, your relationships, and your ability to continue caring with dignity.

#ITISOKAYTONOTBEOKAY—and it is also okay to ask for help.

Ask While You Still Have a Little Strength

Don’t wait for the fall, the breakdown, the emergency room, or the sleepless month that finally convinces you you’re “allowed” to need support.

Ask now—while you still have enough energy to receive help with grace. Ask now—so your caregiving can be sustained, not survived. Ask now—because caregiving was never meant to be done alone.